It was last
year’s Valentine’s Day. I was out to meet a friend at a mall…
“Don’t give
this wicked smile, Amit. I was waiting for an old friend of mine who happen to
be a boy”.
“Sir, I
expected a girl”, I smirked
“There is no
girl in my life”
“There was
no girl in fact….no girl after her….”
His voice broke. I could see the
bulge in his throat. He cleared the same, took out a cigarette from the packet
and lit it. In the flame of the lighter I could see his moistened eyes. A thin
layer of the tear had wrapped up his eye balls that glistened in the light of
the flame. I saw two tiny drops of tear escaping from his eyes, passing over
his dried cheeks and landing on his strong hands. He took a long drag from the
cigarette, almost till his lungs denied to inflate more and puffed out the
smoke into the semi darkened room in the other second. I could only see the
smoke whiling like a mini tornado and getting absorbed into the blower in the
feeble light of the room. He continued…
My friend
was taking time. I was getting bored and so I started boozing in the bar of the
mall. I had few jiggers of whiskey by then when I turned back to look for the
waiter.
“I saw her”.
“Yes, I saw
Tanisha.”
I saw that spark in his eyes when he
took that name, “Tanisha”. I didn’t interrupt him. He went on…
Amit you
know, it was almost after 20 years that I saw her in person. I had spent those
years seeing her growing up in those profile pictures of her. She was looking gorgeous
as always. She was the most beautiful girl of my school then; she is still the
most beautiful lady I have ever seen. She was holding her daughter. She looked
exactly like her mother; divine. The dark dress that she was wearing was complimenting
her well. She has not changed a lot. Those timid twinkling eyes, that glowing
face, those free flowing dark hairs that she never clutches reminded me of the
past.
“Sir I am excited. Please tell me
your story”, I asked.
In school we
came close several times but the real story between us never took place. Those
were all my mistakes. I was not convinced that it was her and not anyone else. It
all started after we passed our tenth board exam. I shifted to another school
while she continued in the same. I proposed her. She didn’t answer. I proposed
her again. Again and again… She knew that I was a flirt. She had questions in
her mind but she believed me this time. She doubted that I may cheat her
someday but her trust on my love overshadowed the same. She took a risk, risk
of falling in love with me. I too was determined to give her back the love she
deserved. I didn’t want to mess up anything like before. I gave her the
strength to believe me. I gave her the promise that she can rely on. I gave her
the love she always craved for and moreover the faith on which she can stand
against all odds.
I still
remember the first time we met outside. She was accompanied by her best friend
but her friend gave us the needed space. We went on for a walk. I didn’t know
what to say. I was talking this and that. Our hands were colliding with each
other while walking when suddenly she slipped her fingers into mine and in the
other second we were holding each other’s hand tightly. I experienced a spark,
a chilling sensation in my spines. My legs stopped, denied to take another
step. I looked into her eyes. Still holding her hands, I embraced her tender
fingers and said, “My love thanks for believing me. I will never ever leave
your hand.”
But I failed…I
failed to keep that promise…
Once she was
suffering from chickenpox and I went to her place to see her. She had asked me
to sit about two and half feet away from her fearing the contagiousness of that
disease. She was all red. Reddish swellings had popped off all around her face.
They looked more prominent because of her fair complexion. She appeared dull in
the pain of the disease. She was worried of the marks that the disease will
leave behind. I missed her smile. I missed the shine in her eyes that bedazzled
always. She was repeating the same thing that the chickenpox would leave her
back ugly forever. I just couldn’t stop myself and stepped ahead and hugged
her. I just wanted to convey her that she shouldn’t worry about that,
everything would be fine and I would always stay with her. She reciprocated the
hug too but pushed me away the moment she realized the aftereffect of the hug.
The next day
I found two painful red marks on my right shoulder. The moment I told about the
same to her over the phone, I was summoned to appear in front of her. She was
crying, crying like a child and was apologizing me for giving me that disease. She took out all her tablets and popped them one
after the other into my mouth. She then brought some ointments and applied the
same on those reddish swellings on my shoulder.
She has
always been very affectionate. I just can’t ever forget that care and warmth of
her.
Since we
were in different schools, we decided to visit the same tutors and thus the
physics tuition became our meeting ground. I remember, she used to lie her
class timing to her father so that we can get maximum time to spend together
before he arrives there to pick her up.
I have always known him as a rude man
who keeps on working all the day. Even if he is off duty one can never find him
sitting idle. Either he will be reading something or else polishing any metal
piece with sand paper. That day for the first time I saw his eyes glistening.
It seemed like an ember, a fragment smoldering in the fire that was burning
inside him. I saw a smile in his face that I had never seen before. It was the
smile that comes of its own when one talks of his love and the moments spent
together. I could see his eyes narrowing down as his lips widened with the
smile. He carried on….
Amit, you
know, she was a sports freak and a huge fan of WWF. Every night we talked, she
would force me to listen to the stories of the recent fights. She was a strong
girl then. She must be a strong lady now. I remember once few guys surrounded
us while we were talking outside our school. I got frightened but she bravely
showed them the way out of the place.
She used to
write poems. She often used to recite them to me. I never understood them
completely. But I always appreciated her in the end. I just loved to hear her reciting those poems
to me; I just loved that happiness that she used to get when I used to appreciate
her poems.
I miss her poems now, I miss her now…
His face suddenly turned gloomy. He
bent down to reach for his packet of cigarettes, took one out and lit it. He
smoked for a while without saying anything. I didn’t disturb him either…
One late night
I received a call from an unknown girl. According to her she had seen me with
her friend once and had started liking me from then. I didn’t believe her. I knew
she was lying but I continued to talk to her. I was incarcerated by that
momentary pleasure, that temptation. I didn’t realize then that I was going to
cheat Tanisha by doing so. I thought just talking over phone to some stranger
girl would not label me as a cheater. Moreover, I thought no one could ever
discover that secret affair of mine over the phone. Believe me, I had felt
guilty numerous times but every time I had convinced myself by telling that I
was only talking on phone and nothing more than that.
Within few
days she disclosed the entire story behind the veil. I was taken aback to
discover that she was Tanisha’s cousin sister, Aroshi. She was checking my
loyalty in which I had failed badly. I was dumbstruck and terrified. But astonishingly,
she continued to talk to me without unveiling the result of the loyalty test to
Tanisha.
Slowly we
came close and became good friends. Soon she started sharing the secrets of Tanisha
with me. From her I came to know that Tanisha was not that sure about me. She
still craved for her school time crush, our senior, Sankalp. Aroshi disclosed
how Tanisha always complained about me to be not the right guy for her and how
I had failed to treat her the way she deserved.
I believed
Aroshi blindly. And then gradually I drifted away from Tanisha.
Those
disclosers by Aroshi kept on reverberating in my ears for days. My mind got snowed
under numerous bizarre thoughts. I realized that Tanisha was not happy with me.
I started comparing myself with Sankalp where I found myself getting defeated
in huge margins in all aspects. I assumed myself to be not the right guy for
her. Neither I was handsome enough to deserve a girlfriend like Tanisha nor had
I ever treated her the way she deserved. I had never taken her out. I had never
presented her any gift. I had never treated her at a lavishing restaurant.
Suddenly I realized I had not done anything for her. A stint of inferiority
complex grabbed me. I started considering myself meager.
In the
meantime, Aroshi had come closer to me more than before. She had already
started liking me. I knew that and I had not done anything to stop her. It was
not her mistake completely. I was a part of it. I was the one who had started
it. I was the one who could have stopped the same earlier. One day I decided to
confess everything in front of Tanisha to put a full stop to this fuss. I knew
the consequence. But still I wanted to tell her. I wanted to confront
everything. I did. It was the last time I talked to her.
He turned silent for a while. “Is
this way it ended?” I asked. “No”, he
continued again.
One evening
a stout guy landed up in front of my house. He was accompanied by few more guys
who appeared just like him. He enquired my name. His voice was the proof of his
arrogance. The way he parked his bike and walked towards me showed how proud,
haughty, adamant he was. He looked exactly like what we call, “imperious spoiled
rich kid”. As soon as I confirmed him my name, he started thrashing me badly.
His friends accompanied him. They slapped, kicked and punched me severely. I
collapsed on the spot with both my hands covering my head, Pressed to the edge
of the gate. Then that stout guy who appeared to be their leader jumped over
me. While his shoes were kneading my fingers, he was raining punches on my
back. Listening me screaming and the growl of those guys, my mother rushed out
of the house. By then my father had also arrived. He tried to save me. My
mother was begging infront of them. All my neighbors slowly gathered. Seeing the crowd they decided to flee. Before
leaving, the plump guy shouted, “stay in your limits or else I will kill your
entire family”.
I remained
clueless till the day I received a call from the same guy. He said me the entire
story. He was actually Aroshi’s boyfriend. He narrated me the story framed by
him to recite in front of Aroshi so that he can prove her to be a cheat and
leave her for the same. I denied. I denied strongly though my face was still
swollen of his punches and my arms had blood clots of his kicks. He played his next card that he would attack
my family the same way he had done to me that day. I agreed. I did whatever he
wanted me to do.
You did? What happened then? What
happened to that Aroshi? Did Tanisha come to know about this? Did she come to
stand for you at that time?
I don’t know
what happened to Aroshi after that. I don’t know if they broke up or continued.
I don’t know if either Tanisha or Aroshi ever came to know about this. I went
away from everyone… Everything…
What do you mean by you went away,
Sir?
Amit, I
belonged to a low middle class family where my father worked hard to fulfill
our basic needs. My family had never witnessed anything like that ever before.
My mother was so horrified that for days she didn’t leave me out of our house.
Even she left going out herself. My neighbors started looking at my parents as
the parents of a criminal. I had brought disgrace to my family. Slowly my
relatives came to know about this and my cousins were asked not to talk to me.
My parents
had faith that I would do well in life but that incident changed everything. My
life turned upside down in a single day. Till then I was a culprit in the eyes
of Tanisha only. Now I was for everyone. Slowly I started hating myself. And
when you start hating yourself, you start failing in everything you try.
My parents assumed
that I was still into the same issues and so they wanted me to go away from
that place. They were convinced that I would spoil my life and bring more
trouble to my family if I would stay there. One day my father came home and
asked me to join merchant Navy. I had no idea of it. I had never heard of it
before. I had other dreams. I wanted to fulfill them. I denied but my father
turned deaf ear. I tried to convince my mother. But she didn’t raise her voice
against my father. All she wanted was me to stay well even though that would
cost her to get separated from me.
And look at
me…I am here… sailing and sailing
“Sir, did you never try to talk to
Tanisha after that?”
No, I never
tried. I knew Tanisha well. She would have never talked to me. I knew her well
(He laughed)
Moreover, I
had cheated her. I didn’t deserve another chance.
Yes, I used
to hear about her from my friends. You know Amit, she used to abuse if anyone
would even utter my name. She hated me so much.
“Sir, do you think it happened all
because of you?”
Yes, it was my mistake. I shouldn’t have talked to a stranger
girl. I should have controlled my temptation. I shouldn’t have believed Aroshi.
I should have complete faith on myself and my love. The spark of inferiority
complex was residing there inside me that only got exasperated after talking to
Aroshi. I was insecure. I was afraid that someday she might leave me because of
my inefficiency to make her happy. For me then her happiness meant only the
materialistic pleasures that I had failed to give her because of my not so good
financial condition at home.
I still
remember once I had failed to attain her brother’s birthday party because I had
felt that I might not fit into their gathering as I had nothing good to wear
and moreover I had failed to save some amount to buy her brother a present. So,
the feeling of being meager in front of Tanisha was already born inside me long
back. It just got nourished under Aroshi. One believes what he wants to, what
is there already inside his mind. Inferiority complex was already there that just
grew up like beast and surpassed my love.
“Sir, can I ask you something?”
“Is this the reason why you didn’t
marry yet?”
I loved her
then. I love her now. I will love her till eternity. Though at that tender age
I had committed few mistakes that snatched her away from my life, I still love her,
the same. I know she hates me. I know she is someone else’s now. I know someday
even I will breathe my last and she still will have no hint of me and of my
love. I know. I know everything. But these reasons can never stop me from
loving her.
There can be
no reason in the world that can stop you from loving someone. If there is; then
you are not in love.
I have spent
sleepless nights. The only thing that reverberated in my ears was her calling
me a cheater. I can spend my entire life being a cheater in her eyes but not a
cheater in mine. I cannot cheat the love for her residing in my heart by
marrying someone else.
Moreover,
love is all about staying happy. One cannot say that she/he is in love with
someone if she/he is not happy with that person. And you know something Amit, I
am happy. I am happy to spend my entire life loving her. I am happy to see her
happy in someone else’s arm. I am happy to spend my life in her thoughts. I am happy
to check her Facebook profile several times a day, happy to see her posts and
pictures uploaded. I am happy to download all her pictures and see them when I
miss her the most. I am happy when I want to like her posts and pictures but
resist myself from doing so. I am happy to celebrate her birthday; hers is
close to mine (he laughed). I am happy when I read any book that reminds me of
her poems. I am happy. I am happy that I love someone so much.
I want to
live in her memories. Those memories are perfectly encapsulated morsel of a
good past with tinge of sad moments. Her memories are like a brush stroke of color
on the gray canvas of my life, a barren canvas.
“You should have told her once…
Atleast she should have known the truth”, I said.
Why don’t
you write a story on this Amit?
(He laughed)
But still
she won’t believe. I know her.
(He stood up
and got prepared to leave)
“Unke jane
ke baad,
dil ka alam
kuch aisa hai,
samandar ki
tarah sham dhale,
isme halchal
kuch jyada hi rehta hai…”
Unke jane ke
baad,
Dil ka alam
kuch aisa hai,
Bas charo
taraf hai namkeen si lehren,
Aur ankhon
ke kinare namkeen se pani ke kuch bunden…”
Unke jane ke
baad,
Dil ka alam
kuch aisa hai,
Iss gehre samadar ko dekhke
Paraya nahin,
apna sa lagne laga hai,
Mere
ansooyon ke sekdon katre
Kabhi gire
honge iske gaud main,
Ab to iss ke
kuch lehron pe
Mera bhi hak
banta hai…..”
Goodnight
Amit. Thanks for listening me.
