YET ANOTHER STORY OF LOVE...

Sea was rough. As per the latest weather report it was going to last for few more days till the cyclone subsides. The Gigantic waves and the increasing wind velocity were combinedly making our ship restless. She was rolling severely and so was I on my bed that night. It was late already. I had duty from early morning. It was not seasickness. We seafarers are all well accustomed to these storms and the movement of the ship in bad weather. Actually I didn’t know what it was. I decided to move to the lounge to finish my incomplete movie. Strangely I met my second engineer there, sitting alone. It was like he was searching for someone. He wanted to pour his heart out. And there he found me... 

It was last year’s Valentine’s Day. I was out to meet a friend at a mall…

“Don’t give this wicked smile, Amit. I was waiting for an old friend of mine who happen to be a boy”.

“Sir, I expected a girl”, I smirked

“There is no girl in my life”

“There was no girl in fact….no girl after her….”

His voice broke. I could see the bulge in his throat. He cleared the same, took out a cigarette from the packet and lit it. In the flame of the lighter I could see his moistened eyes. A thin layer of the tear had wrapped up his eye balls that glistened in the light of the flame. I saw two tiny drops of tear escaping from his eyes, passing over his dried cheeks and landing on his strong hands. He took a long drag from the cigarette, almost till his lungs denied to inflate more and puffed out the smoke into the semi darkened room in the other second. I could only see the smoke whiling like a mini tornado and getting absorbed into the blower in the feeble light of the room.  He continued…

My friend was taking time. I was getting bored and so I started boozing in the bar of the mall. I had few jiggers of whiskey by then when I turned back to look for the waiter.

“I saw her”.

“Yes, I saw Tanisha.”

I saw that spark in his eyes when he took that name, “Tanisha”. I didn’t interrupt him. He went on…

Amit you know, it was almost after 20 years that I saw her in person. I had spent those years seeing her growing up in those profile pictures of her. She was looking gorgeous as always. She was the most beautiful girl of my school then; she is still the most beautiful lady I have ever seen. She was holding her daughter. She looked exactly like her mother; divine. The dark dress that she was wearing was complimenting her well. She has not changed a lot. Those timid twinkling eyes, that glowing face, those free flowing dark hairs that she never clutches reminded me of the past. 

“Sir I am excited. Please tell me your story”, I asked.

In school we came close several times but the real story between us never took place. Those were all my mistakes. I was not convinced that it was her and not anyone else. It all started after we passed our tenth board exam. I shifted to another school while she continued in the same. I proposed her. She didn’t answer. I proposed her again. Again and again… She knew that I was a flirt. She had questions in her mind but she believed me this time. She doubted that I may cheat her someday but her trust on my love overshadowed the same. She took a risk, risk of falling in love with me. I too was determined to give her back the love she deserved. I didn’t want to mess up anything like before. I gave her the strength to believe me. I gave her the promise that she can rely on. I gave her the love she always craved for and moreover the faith on which she can stand against all odds.

I still remember the first time we met outside. She was accompanied by her best friend but her friend gave us the needed space. We went on for a walk. I didn’t know what to say. I was talking this and that. Our hands were colliding with each other while walking when suddenly she slipped her fingers into mine and in the other second we were holding each other’s hand tightly. I experienced a spark, a chilling sensation in my spines. My legs stopped, denied to take another step. I looked into her eyes. Still holding her hands, I embraced her tender fingers and said, “My love thanks for believing me. I will never ever leave your hand.”

But I failed…I failed to keep that promise…

Once she was suffering from chickenpox and I went to her place to see her. She had asked me to sit about two and half feet away from her fearing the contagiousness of that disease. She was all red. Reddish swellings had popped off all around her face. They looked more prominent because of her fair complexion. She appeared dull in the pain of the disease. She was worried of the marks that the disease will leave behind. I missed her smile. I missed the shine in her eyes that bedazzled always. She was repeating the same thing that the chickenpox would leave her back ugly forever. I just couldn’t stop myself and stepped ahead and hugged her. I just wanted to convey her that she shouldn’t worry about that, everything would be fine and I would always stay with her. She reciprocated the hug too but pushed me away the moment she realized the aftereffect of the hug.

The next day I found two painful red marks on my right shoulder. The moment I told about the same to her over the phone, I was summoned to appear in front of her. She was crying, crying like a child and was apologizing me for giving me that disease.  She took out all her tablets and popped them one after the other into my mouth. She then brought some ointments and applied the same on those reddish swellings on my shoulder.

She has always been very affectionate. I just can’t ever forget that care and warmth of her.

Since we were in different schools, we decided to visit the same tutors and thus the physics tuition became our meeting ground. I remember, she used to lie her class timing to her father so that we can get maximum time to spend together before he arrives there to pick her up. 

I have always known him as a rude man who keeps on working all the day. Even if he is off duty one can never find him sitting idle. Either he will be reading something or else polishing any metal piece with sand paper. That day for the first time I saw his eyes glistening. It seemed like an ember, a fragment smoldering in the fire that was burning inside him. I saw a smile in his face that I had never seen before. It was the smile that comes of its own when one talks of his love and the moments spent together. I could see his eyes narrowing down as his lips widened with the smile. He carried on….

Amit, you know, she was a sports freak and a huge fan of WWF. Every night we talked, she would force me to listen to the stories of the recent fights. She was a strong girl then. She must be a strong lady now. I remember once few guys surrounded us while we were talking outside our school. I got frightened but she bravely showed them the way out of the place.

She used to write poems. She often used to recite them to me. I never understood them completely. But I always appreciated her in the end.  I just loved to hear her reciting those poems to me; I just loved that happiness that she used to get when I used to appreciate her poems.

 I miss her poems now, I miss her now…

His face suddenly turned gloomy. He bent down to reach for his packet of cigarettes, took one out and lit it. He smoked for a while without saying anything. I didn’t disturb him either…

One late night I received a call from an unknown girl. According to her she had seen me with her friend once and had started liking me from then. I didn’t believe her. I knew she was lying but I continued to talk to her. I was incarcerated by that momentary pleasure, that temptation. I didn’t realize then that I was going to cheat Tanisha by doing so. I thought just talking over phone to some stranger girl would not label me as a cheater. Moreover, I thought no one could ever discover that secret affair of mine over the phone. Believe me, I had felt guilty numerous times but every time I had convinced myself by telling that I was only talking on phone and nothing more than that.

Within few days she disclosed the entire story behind the veil. I was taken aback to discover that she was Tanisha’s cousin sister, Aroshi. She was checking my loyalty in which I had failed badly. I was dumbstruck and terrified. But astonishingly, she continued to talk to me without unveiling the result of the loyalty test to Tanisha.

Slowly we came close and became good friends. Soon she started sharing the secrets of Tanisha with me. From her I came to know that Tanisha was not that sure about me. She still craved for her school time crush, our senior, Sankalp. Aroshi disclosed how Tanisha always complained about me to be not the right guy for her and how I had failed to treat her the way she deserved.

I believed Aroshi blindly. And then gradually I drifted away from Tanisha.

Those disclosers by Aroshi kept on reverberating in my ears for days. My mind got snowed under numerous bizarre thoughts. I realized that Tanisha was not happy with me. I started comparing myself with Sankalp where I found myself getting defeated in huge margins in all aspects. I assumed myself to be not the right guy for her. Neither I was handsome enough to deserve a girlfriend like Tanisha nor had I ever treated her the way she deserved. I had never taken her out. I had never presented her any gift. I had never treated her at a lavishing restaurant. Suddenly I realized I had not done anything for her. A stint of inferiority complex grabbed me. I started considering myself meager.  

In the meantime, Aroshi had come closer to me more than before. She had already started liking me. I knew that and I had not done anything to stop her. It was not her mistake completely. I was a part of it. I was the one who had started it. I was the one who could have stopped the same earlier. One day I decided to confess everything in front of Tanisha to put a full stop to this fuss. I knew the consequence. But still I wanted to tell her. I wanted to confront everything. I did. It was the last time I talked to her.  

He turned silent for a while. “Is this way it ended?” I asked.  “No”, he continued again.

One evening a stout guy landed up in front of my house. He was accompanied by few more guys who appeared just like him. He enquired my name. His voice was the proof of his arrogance. The way he parked his bike and walked towards me showed how proud, haughty, adamant he was. He looked exactly like what we call, “imperious spoiled rich kid”. As soon as I confirmed him my name, he started thrashing me badly. His friends accompanied him. They slapped, kicked and punched me severely. I collapsed on the spot with both my hands covering my head, Pressed to the edge of the gate. Then that stout guy who appeared to be their leader jumped over me. While his shoes were kneading my fingers, he was raining punches on my back. Listening me screaming and the growl of those guys, my mother rushed out of the house. By then my father had also arrived. He tried to save me. My mother was begging infront of them. All my neighbors slowly gathered.  Seeing the crowd they decided to flee. Before leaving, the plump guy shouted, “stay in your limits or else I will kill your entire family”.

I remained clueless till the day I received a call from the same guy. He said me the entire story. He was actually Aroshi’s boyfriend. He narrated me the story framed by him to recite in front of Aroshi so that he can prove her to be a cheat and leave her for the same. I denied. I denied strongly though my face was still swollen of his punches and my arms had blood clots of his kicks.  He played his next card that he would attack my family the same way he had done to me that day. I agreed. I did whatever he wanted me to do.

You did? What happened then? What happened to that Aroshi? Did Tanisha come to know about this? Did she come to stand for you at that time?  

I don’t know what happened to Aroshi after that. I don’t know if they broke up or continued. I don’t know if either Tanisha or Aroshi ever came to know about this. I went away from everyone… Everything…

What do you mean by you went away, Sir? 

Amit, I belonged to a low middle class family where my father worked hard to fulfill our basic needs. My family had never witnessed anything like that ever before. My mother was so horrified that for days she didn’t leave me out of our house. Even she left going out herself. My neighbors started looking at my parents as the parents of a criminal. I had brought disgrace to my family. Slowly my relatives came to know about this and my cousins were asked not to talk to me.

My parents had faith that I would do well in life but that incident changed everything. My life turned upside down in a single day. Till then I was a culprit in the eyes of Tanisha only. Now I was for everyone. Slowly I started hating myself. And when you start hating yourself, you start failing in everything you try.

My parents assumed that I was still into the same issues and so they wanted me to go away from that place. They were convinced that I would spoil my life and bring more trouble to my family if I would stay there. One day my father came home and asked me to join merchant Navy. I had no idea of it. I had never heard of it before. I had other dreams. I wanted to fulfill them. I denied but my father turned deaf ear. I tried to convince my mother. But she didn’t raise her voice against my father. All she wanted was me to stay well even though that would cost her to get separated from me.

And look at me…I am here… sailing and sailing

“Sir, did you never try to talk to Tanisha after that?”

No, I never tried. I knew Tanisha well. She would have never talked to me. I knew her well (He laughed)

Moreover, I had cheated her. I didn’t deserve another chance.

Yes, I used to hear about her from my friends. You know Amit, she used to abuse if anyone would even utter my name. She hated me so much.

“Sir, do you think it happened all because of you?”

Yes, it was my mistake. I shouldn’t have talked to a stranger girl. I should have controlled my temptation. I shouldn’t have believed Aroshi. I should have complete faith on myself and my love. The spark of inferiority complex was residing there inside me that only got exasperated after talking to Aroshi. I was insecure. I was afraid that someday she might leave me because of my inefficiency to make her happy. For me then her happiness meant only the materialistic pleasures that I had failed to give her because of my not so good financial condition at home.   

I still remember once I had failed to attain her brother’s birthday party because I had felt that I might not fit into their gathering as I had nothing good to wear and moreover I had failed to save some amount to buy her brother a present. So, the feeling of being meager in front of Tanisha was already born inside me long back. It just got nourished under Aroshi. One believes what he wants to, what is there already inside his mind. Inferiority complex was already there that just grew up like beast and surpassed my love.

“Sir, can I ask you something?”

“Is this the reason why you didn’t marry yet?”

I loved her then. I love her now. I will love her till eternity. Though at that tender age I had committed few mistakes that snatched her away from my life, I still love her, the same. I know she hates me. I know she is someone else’s now. I know someday even I will breathe my last and she still will have no hint of me and of my love. I know. I know everything. But these reasons can never stop me from loving her.

There can be no reason in the world that can stop you from loving someone. If there is; then you are not in love.

I have spent sleepless nights. The only thing that reverberated in my ears was her calling me a cheater. I can spend my entire life being a cheater in her eyes but not a cheater in mine. I cannot cheat the love for her residing in my heart by marrying someone else.

Moreover, love is all about staying happy. One cannot say that she/he is in love with someone if she/he is not happy with that person. And you know something Amit, I am happy. I am happy to spend my entire life loving her. I am happy to see her happy in someone else’s arm. I am happy to spend my life in her thoughts. I am happy to check her Facebook profile several times a day, happy to see her posts and pictures uploaded. I am happy to download all her pictures and see them when I miss her the most. I am happy when I want to like her posts and pictures but resist myself from doing so. I am happy to celebrate her birthday; hers is close to mine (he laughed). I am happy when I read any book that reminds me of her poems. I am happy. I am happy that I love someone so much.

I want to live in her memories. Those memories are perfectly encapsulated morsel of a good past with tinge of sad moments. Her memories are like a brush stroke of color on the gray canvas of my life, a barren canvas.

“You should have told her once… Atleast she should have known the truth”, I said.

Why don’t you write a story on this Amit?

(He laughed)

But still she won’t believe. I know her.

(He stood up and got prepared to leave)

“Unke jane ke baad,

dil ka alam kuch aisa hai,

samandar ki tarah sham dhale,

isme halchal kuch jyada hi rehta hai…”

Unke jane ke baad,

Dil ka alam kuch aisa hai,

Bas charo taraf hai namkeen si lehren,

Aur ankhon ke kinare namkeen se pani ke kuch bunden…”

Unke jane ke baad,

Dil ka alam kuch aisa hai,

 Iss gehre samadar ko dekhke

Paraya nahin, apna sa lagne laga hai,

Mere ansooyon ke sekdon katre

Kabhi gire honge iske gaud main,

Ab to iss ke kuch lehron pe

Mera bhi hak banta hai…..”

Goodnight Amit. Thanks for listening me.